Have you ever wondered why some relationships intended to lead to marriage don’t even make it as far as the wedding day? I have been involved in counselling single and married people for years now. I have observed some patterns. Some principles that make God-ordained relationships work and some that don’t. Someone might say “you mean not all God-ordained relationships work?” And my answer will be NO, not all God-ordained relationships work. Same reason that it is not God’s will that any should perish but that all should come to the saving knowledge of Christ.
Men and women must play their parts. A woman of God, Caroline Savelle, said many years ago that relationships may be heaven ordained but they must be worked out on earth. So, our focus will be identifying some (not exhaustive) toxins that affect relationships and principles that make relationships work. I dare say that married people will also find these relevant.
What doesn’t work.
- Insincerity – when a person is not honest, genuine, sincere and trust worthy, I believe that is a good pointer to a toxic relationship that is headed for nowhere. Honesty and trust usually rank amongst the top must-have’s people say their spouses must possess. Relating is difficult with a liar. When he says ‘I love you’, you will say is that true? If he says good morning, you will have to go outside to check if it’s really morning!
- Unequal yoking – I got an illustration of what this means some time ago. A farmer that plows his farm using animals (usually 2) joined together by a wooden implement at the neck must use two animals of equal stature and strength. Imagine a cow and a calf (baby cow) being joined together to plow the farm. These two animals are unequally yoked (i.e. joined) and it is certain that one will break the neck of the other or one will drag behind the other. It is impossible for two people who have major differing values to have a relationship that will work. Examples of been unequally yoked would be one is born-again while the other isn’t. One believes that sex is for after marriage while the other doesn’t. One believes in honouring while the other doesn’t.
- Lack of focus – when we can’t see the end from the beginning, then anything goes. I have had people say “I broke up because the guy isn’t ready to marry” and I usually ask “why then did you accept to court or even date him?”
There are so many other reasons. My prayer is that God will open your eyes and guide you in your relationships.
What works.
Again, I have realized that LOVE is the binding force of every relationship. Love isn’t just the feelings, it is a decision. Sure, the feelings must be there in a marital relationship but it is never alone or enough. In a good relationship (courtship or marriage), LOVE isn’t spelt or expressed as L.O.V.E or just in feelings. Feelings are not too dependable. A woman feels she loves her husband when he ‘behaves’ himself. Most men will feel love towards their wives when she’s looking beautiful. But what happens when the good things are not momentarily there?
Let me show you a failure proof spelling of LOVE.
The Spelling of LOVE
- GIVING – it is an expression of love. While it is possible to give without loving (which is of no value), it is impossible to give without loving.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. (I Corinthians 13:3 NKJV) - COMMITMENT – it is sticking with, believing the best of and showing care/empathy to people even when they don’t deserve it. I ask married people what their threshold is. What will make them call it quits? Really and truly, there should be no threshold. It’s together forever.
- QUALITY TIME- Spend good time being around, fellowshipping and relating with each other.
However to make all these relevant and worthwhile, WE must GIVE to the RIGHT person, Commit to the RIGHT person and SPEND QUALITY TIME with the RIGHT person.
OTHER PRINCIPLES THAT MAKE MARRIAGES & RELATIONSHIPS WORK
God took the Man and set him down in the Garden of Eden to work the ground and keep it in order. God commanded the Man, “You can eat from any tree in the garden, except from the Tree-of-Knowledge-of-Good-and-Evil. Don’t eat from it. The moment you eat from that tree, you’re dead.” God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.” So God formed from the dirt of the ground all the animals of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the Man to see what he would name them. Whatever the Man called each living creature that was its name. The Man named the cattle, named the birds of the air, named the wild animals; but he didn’t find a suitable companion. God put the Man into a deep sleep. As he slept he removed one of his ribs and replaced it with flesh. God then used the rib that he had taken from the Man to make Woman and presented her to the Man. The Man said, “Finally! Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh! Name her Woman for she was made from Man.” Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife. They become one flesh. The two of them, the Man and his Wife, were naked, but they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:15-25 MSG)
- Principle of Purpose – Gen. 2:15. Adam was committed to the work God had for him.
A man without a purpose/work is a man without a vision and a man without a vision lacks direction. Such a man will ruin others that follow him. Let him that doesn’t work not eat .2Thess 3:10. - Principle of Boundary Setting – Gen.2:16 & 17. God sets boundaries in our lives to protect us, not to deny us. 1Cor6:12. God sets boundaries for every type and stage of relationship. Proverbs 5 & 7
- Principle of focus – Gen. 2: 19 & 20. When you know what God wants for you and what your values are, stick to them! Don’t mix it up; don’t go for alternatives or second best. Be patient.
- Principle of COMPANIONSHIP or FRIENDSHIP in marriage – Gen. 2: 18, 22-25. There is excitement and understanding in friendship, there is encouragement and heart knitting in friendship. Col2:2, there’s closeness, beauty etc. in friendship. Friendship is the horse that pulls the cart of marriage.
- Principle of Separation – Gen 2:24-25. If you are not ready to forsake all other men/women and be committed to your spouse then you are not ready. A man takes responsibility for his marriage. It is also being naked before each other only in marriage. They are both separated from everybody else and now have become one.
Written by Oluwaseun Duro-Ishola
(Snr Pastor, KingsWord Int’l Church
